Though the title of this post isn’t 100% accurate, that’s how I tend to feel. I see my friends, my family, and random people in my school’s corridors “in love” (or at least in lust). But I have trouble making friends, and therefore I have trouble forming romantic bonds with others. And I had accepted that fact by middle school (my town has issues).
Until I met a boy in 9th grade- let’s call him Edgar. Edgar was funny, smart, and good looking. And we were both on the Model UN team. Edgar had a girlfriend, so I didn’t really pursue him much that year. But the next year, he was single so it seemed logical I go after him. Yet there was a new issue- he was an officer for the MUN team and I was a ‘ghost officer’. I tried to flirt, and when I failed I used our positions on the team to justify my giving up. Can’t jeopardize my team- especially after he was re-elected and I won the Vice-Chancellory of the team. I let my feelings stay still…and I was fine until my younger sister (I’m going to call her Annabel) joined MUN. Annabel and Edgar hit it off so well that people started joking that they should date.
So they did. And even though I had told myself I was over Edgar- I wasn’t. I took the weekend to cry, but then I went back to school with almost an air of ‘I don’t care’. I walked through the school like I was confident and didn’t need to feel accepted. This lasted for a few days until I ran into a boy in the corridor outside my International Relations class. (Corridor boy will also be referred to as Andrew) I had seen him around before, at Trivia Club and History Club and at some Student Government functions. I felt myself fall into that teen rom-com moment with Andrew. It was great to feel like I had a chance again.
It didn’t last long. Turned out Andrew was flirting with a girl from MUN that had been bullying me.
So, even though it may be an exaggeration, I feel like the only single girl at my school. And though I know I should not care as much as I do, it makes me feel worthless. Why am I not desirable? Why am I the one who has to walk the corridors with no one to talk to? I know these thoughts are the result of society, but yet they are so engrained into my heart that I can not shake them. My brain knows that I do not need a boyfriend to feel worthy, or a man’s gaze to tell me I am acceptable. But my heart tells me I need to keep trying to find a romantic partner…
Try as I might, I may end up being the only single girl for a while longer.
So I guess it’s good I already have a few cats.